?

Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

The truth about my life

How can I tell my family the thruth?
They think that for the past 5 years I have been studying and that I will graduate in a year.
How can I tell them that it's all been a lie. That for the past years I have been doing nothing at all? Every year starts the same, with me actually wanting to study and enrolling for courses but after a couple of weeks I just cant drag myself from home to school. I know I should have more discipline, but I'm week.

I hate myself for not having the strenght. But most of all I hate myself for how I'm going to wound my family when I finally tell the truth. I love them. They mean everything to me. And it kills me that, most probably, by this time next year everything will have change. They will still love me, I don't doubt that, but they will most likely never belive or trust me anymore.

At the same time it's good that this is coming to an end, it has obligated me to begin make order in my life, and the firts thing on the list is get a job.

I have an job-interview on monday.

Comments

( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
devo79
Jan. 7th, 2011 09:12 pm (UTC)
Have you thought about writing them a letter. Ask them to read it and then meet with you. That way you can get it all out and start on a fresh.
alterian
Jan. 7th, 2011 10:01 pm (UTC)
That is actually how I had thought to do it. I'm too much a coward to talk talk to them face to face. I also know I would break down and cry, say everything wrong and then get really defensive.

And that's why, considering that last part among others, I also would like for them to reply in a letter. I have big tendensies to get defensive and not hear and don't take in what other people are say, even if I know that they are right.

Still... like the big coward that I am, this letter won't be sent before this summer ends. I want one more summer with a happy family.
devo79
Jan. 8th, 2011 04:43 am (UTC)
But why wait until summer ends?

I think this might be like taking off a band aid. The faster you do it the better.

When I was a kid I got bullied a lot. The result was that I desperately wanted to be accepted. So when two of the most popular girls in the class had little brothers, I lied and told the teacher that my mother was having twins. I lied about it for a few months and was thrilled that the teacher actually asked me about stuff. Normally the teachers didn't notice me.

My mother found out at a parent-teacher meeting. I remember how very disappointed she was.

I ended up stealing stuff at school as well (hoping that I would get kicked out and get away from the bullies). When my mother found out about that I think she stopped trusting me. No matter what happened or what I said she would ask me if it was really the truth.

This happened before I was ten and the most horrible thing was that my mother stopped trusting me. It took at least a few years before she started trusting me again.

It was difficult and hard to deal with. But I survived and I got stronger by going through it.

What I think is important is why you seem to lose energy after only going to class a few weeks. maybe if you could tell your family why school sucks all the energy out of you it might be easier for them to understand.

To me it sounds as if you've been trying to live up to your family's expectations about what you should be doing at this point of your life. Maybe you're not suppose to be going to school right now? Maybe you need to take a different road/do something else?

5 years is a long time to live a lie, to keep up a façade. And maybe you've been lying a little to yourself too? By pushing the problem away.

I really hope you get through this.

Send me a message or comment here if you need to talk. *hugs*
devo79
Jan. 8th, 2011 01:45 pm (UTC)
I found this: http://www.marcandangel.com/2010/11/29/75-ways-to-stay-unhappy-forever/

I think it has many good points about how we tend to make ourselves unhappy.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )